Betches

GREEN JUICES THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL HEALTHY AF BUT WON'T MAKE YOU GAG

By Betchy Crocker

Betches have long been drinking green juice after a drinking bender to feel healthy. Unfortunately for us when we're already suppressing our gag reflex, veggie juices can be hella disgusting. Unless you’re a crunchy wook-vegan-nature-loving-tree hugger, don’t spew that shit at me about how you can feeeeeeel the toxins draining from your body while you try not to chew that yam and carrot concoction you call a juice. Spare me. We both know you’re miserable. Of course, if a betch needs a lil detox boost, some veggie juices are better than others. If you don’t own a fancy juicer and aren’t likely to drop the bucks on a $600 machine you’ll use on and off for a month before giving up, here are our favorite veggie juices so you can look fetch in your bikini this summer.

1. ZÜPA NOMA Organic Tomatillo Jalapeño

At just 80 calories for the whole bottle, you’re going to want to stock up on these. As far as a green juice goes, it’s totally different, and the whole gang of ZÜPA NOMA drinks are actually classified as drinkable soups, not juices. Stick with us even though it sounds gross. Instead of an oddly sweet vegetal concoction, this shit is like drinking the finest green bloody mary mix known to man betch. Plus, all the other flavors (like organic cucumber avocado fennel, organic tomato gazpacho, etc.) are savory and delicious.

2. Jamba Juice Great Greens

If you’re someone who still, for whatever reason, goes to Jamba Juice, go finish the 8th grade getchu a Great Greens smoothie. A small will deliver three servings of veggies to your hungover body, including cucumber, kale, and spinach. Plus there’s like, fiber and shit, so you’ll feel full and less likely to reach for a cheeseburger later.

3. BluePrint Green Juice

Kale, apples, ginger, romaine, cucumber and more come together for this shit which isn’t as sweet as other green juices. The $9 price tag may turn you off, but the lack of sugar, additives, and gagging make it a welcome addition to the list. Plus, it’s only got 130 calories and is 100% real juice.

4. Juice Press Mother Earth

This one from Juice Press blends celery, cucumber, kale, chard, and more for a really, really, really veggie-blasting drink. It may be a little extreme in taste (like, there’s NO sweet factor), but it’s not bad and is only 70 calories, so...grab this.

5. Evolution Fresh Sweet Greens

If you just looooveeee the taste of veggies, grab this off the shelf. Apparently, Evolution Fresh were some of the first green juice makers, so they’re totally legit. There’s a lot of parsley and lemon in this one, though, so if you’re not all about that herbal life, skip.

6. O2Living Green Vitality

A 16 oz bottle of this shit has 140 calories and only 6 grams of sugar. It isn’t super sweet, has cucumber and fennel which we fucking dig, and will help keep you full. Blessings.

7. Odwalla Groovin' Greens

If you crave sweetness to cut the chugging of green juices, opt for Odwalla. Yah, there’s 36 grams of sugar, but you can blame the tropical pineapple, mango, and apple juices for that. It’s also only 150 calories for the bottle, which, honestly, counts as a meal when I’m struggling.